You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
