dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The uberlube is also flammable
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
