for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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