Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
