i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
