when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm both gender and math confused
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
