I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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