you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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