i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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