girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
