what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I FOUND THE LEGS
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
