he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
