i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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