Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
