i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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