some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
