i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize