omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
