Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
