Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
