Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
