It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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