dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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