So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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