We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
