So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
