There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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