Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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