i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
