I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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