yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
