It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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