I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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