Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
