Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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