My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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