So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
