He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
