his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
