I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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