Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
