I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
