Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
