When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
