I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
