mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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