I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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