I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
