my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
not ubering you a puppy
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
