Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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