Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
