having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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