I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
