I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize