there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize