Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
