Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
