theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
