i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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