I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
