would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
