Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
