I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
